i often alternate between feeling like i deserve better than my boyfriend and wondering how i was ever lucky enough to get someone as wonderful as he is. feeling lucky is more common than the other feeling, which is why we're still together. well, that and the fact that i do love him quite a bit.

he's the only person i've ever had sex with, but before me, he had his share of girls and girlfriends, and i tihnk that's where a lot of my confusion comes from. i wouldn't say that i'm a "vanilla sex" kind of girl, but i know that i'm nowhere near as adventerous in the sack as he is. he was the one who brought up threesomes and anal, and while i did try them, they weren't something i really enjoyed, so he doesn't bring them up anymore.

now he asked me if i'd ever want to try being swingers. i don't. i really don't. and he simply can't grasp the fact that i do not want to have sex with other men. he's enough for me. and yet somehow, he interprets my reasoning as me saying that somehow he's not a good boyfriend because he does want to have sex with other women. but that's not my point at all.

he wants to go visit his best friend this summer. i loathe her, and not only because i know she wants to sleep with him. but they watched the entire avatar series together, and they want to see the movie together. so what am i going to do, say no you can't go? i'm not his mother but i really really don't want him to go.

and in case anyone out there was wondering, the reason i wrote this post now is because when i called him to talk a few minutes agao, he was on the phone with HER, and told me he'd call me later.

fuck.

i toured an apartment today, and i already love it.

it's a one bedroom, one year old, part of a complex of four about two blocks from campus.
it has a walk in closet, full size fridge, microwave, and brand new stove with bar seating. it's unfernished and costs about 575 a month, utilities not included. i wanted to show it to my parents this weekend, but the guy who onws them won't be here this weeked. pah.

i still love it :)
it has made this day a good day :)

if the threat of swine flue has died down in champaign by next friday (and it's not that big of a deal anyway) me, meg, and ashley are going up there to go shopping because we get paid next week. since i'm lacking in the homeowrk department this weekend, i checked out all the stores they have at the chambana mall and have already decided what clothes i'm going to get. yay!